


i wanna yabba dabba die :)

by Error404willtolivenotfound



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Endgame never happened, F/F, F/M, Good Loki (Marvel), How Do I Tag, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Multi, Romance, Smut, The Snap never happened, Thor is dumb, also, also fuck thanos, also guys i absolutely love loki, im the dan howell of fanfiction, its 2:50am and i still havent slept, lmaoooo, omg guys you dont know what youre in for, this is actually fun to write though so you know, whoo boy, why the flippity fresh fried fuck am i like this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-03 03:56:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21173021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Error404willtolivenotfound/pseuds/Error404willtolivenotfound
Summary: a marvel groupchat that nobody asked forON HIATUSim so sorryI genuinely like this story but i cant update atm because i have so much going on atm such as i am sick! Not as in a cold kind of sick as in crippled because i am in so much pain sickSo i will update again as soon as i can but its not in the books atm sorry ❤❤





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ive been wanting to do this for ages but always lacked the motivation but  
surprise!  
happy birthday!  
merry christmas!
> 
> also loki is a sweetheart sue me
> 
> also ive been working with kids so if anything seems of thats probably why ive sort of picked up on their style of speech and punctuation

** _Spiderman created new group chat_ **

** _Spiderman added cap rogers, THE TONY STARK, vision, its ya boi, shuri, KNEEEEEL, GOD OF THUNDER, Bitch, big bird, bird boy, rhodes works ahead, Banner, T’challa, and Happy Hogan to the group_ **

** _Spiderman changed his name to i wanna yabba dabba die_ **

i wanna yabba dabba die: YEET BITCHES

cap rogers: What is this?

i wanna yabba dabba die: A MOTHERFUCKING GROUPCHAT FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING AVENGERS

i wanna yabba dabba die: MOTHERFUCKER

cap rogers: language

THE TONY STARK: EXCUSE ME SPIDEY WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!

THE TONY STARK: and change your name I don’t want you to die ;-;

i wanna yabba dabba die: M-mr stark… you care?

THE TONY STARK: of course I do

THE TONY STARK: now change it

i wanna yabba dabba die has changed their name to Spidey

spidey: I never expected you to care!

THE TONY STARK: WDYMMMM

spidey: im not used to people caring about me :’)

THE TONY STARK: well you had better get fucking used to it

Spidey: *cries*

Birdboy: wtf is this

Spidey: a groupchat for the avengers

Birdboy: cool

Birdboy: just so you know, im never gonna be active

Birdboy: :)

THE TONY STARK: okay cool

Rhodes works ahead: …

Spidey: uH I SURE HOPE IT DOES

Shuri: uH I SURE HOPE IT DOES

Its ya boi: ffs you stole my line

Spidey: MUAHAHAHAHA

Cap rogers: also who is spidey?

Spidey: hi, my name is pedgsjdhos

Big bird: nice to meet you, pedgsjdhos!

Spidey: omg mr stark just tackled me

Cap rogers: why?

Spidey: because im not allowed to tell you who I am, how old I am or where im from

Cap rogers: why?

Spidey: mr stark said youd say that

Cap rogers: oh you’re the one from the airport

Spidey: that’s me! Im a huge fan! Omg! Mr rogers sir captain America sir im a huge fan

THE TONY STARK: kid I stfg

Cap rogers: kid???

THE TONY STARK: …

THE TONY STARK: shit.

Cap rogers: YOU BROUGHT A KID TO A FIGHT WITH THE AVENGERS???

Cap rogers: I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS TONY

THE TONY STARK: YOU CHOSE YOUR LONG LOST FUCKING BOYFRIEND OVER YOUR BEST FUCKING FRIEND!

Its ya boi: not his boyfriend

Bitch: yet

Its ya boi: sigh

Spidey: to be honest it was the best fight of my life

Cap rogers: quiet spiderboy

THE TONY STARK: yeah quiet the adults are speaking now

Shuri: !!!!!

Shuri: Peter!!!

Shuri: youre here!!!

Cap rogers: whos peter?

Spidey: pedgsjdhos

Cap rogers: did tony tackle you again?

Spidey: no

Cap rogers: okay then

Cap rogers: who is peter?

Shuri: Peter parker! You know, Spiderman!

Spidey: SHURIIIIIIIII

Spidey: WHYYYYYY

Spidey: MR STARKS GONNA KILL MEEEE

THE TONY STARK: no im gonna go for the girl this time

Shuri: m-me? I did nothing wrong

THE TONY STARK: EXCUSE ME BITCH YOU JUST EXPOSED MY KID

Bitch: your kid????

Bitch: did you finally fuck that cute intern you were telling me about?

THE TONY STARK: UHHHH

THE TONY STARK: which one?

Bitch: the one who you said was adorable and you loved him and you wanted to keep him for ever and said he was fucking adorable but also radiated big sub energy and would most definitely call you daddy and you would definitely fuck him?

Bitch: the young one?

Bitch: 17, if I remember correctly

Spidey: ex-squeeze me bitch what the flippity fuck

Spidey: I need names or it didn’t happen

Bitch: im not quite sure, but im pretty sure his name was petro

THE TONY STARK: no this was years ago we don’t talk about this anymore natasha

Bitch: bitch this was legitimately two weeks ago

Rhodes works ahead: tony shes talking about PP

Big bird: PP

Its ya boi: PP

Shuri: PP

Spidey: PP

KNEEEEEL: PP

KNEEEEEL: also ffs theyre talking about peter parker, aged 17, male, lives with his Aunt, May Parker, attends a normal highschool with his friends Mj and Ned

KNEEEEEL: you know, also known as spiderman

Spidey: EXCUSE ME WHAT THE FLIPPITY FRESH FRIED FUCK?

Spidey: that’s me???

Spidey: mr stark you need to explain???? Right now???

THE TONY STARK: sorry kid im busy

Spidey: well become unbusy or im telling aunt may

THE TONY STARK: shit just let me tell pepper I need to go

Spidey: that’s what I thought.

THE TONY STARK: come to the tower and ill explain

Spidey: I don’t want to

Spidey: I just want to be alone right now

Bitch: translation: I don’t want to be near you right now

Spidey: no I actually want to be alone

THE TONY STARK: yeah no I don’t think so last time you said that you ended up covered in scars that you refused to explain

Spidey: I told you what that was from

THE TONY STARK: ???

Spidey: a battle with Susanne the Self-harm monster

Bitch: im on my way with comfort food

THE TONY STARK: NO YOU ARE NOT

Spidey: its okay I don’t feel like company and im not up to eating

Happy Hogan: not this again

Spidey: …

Spidey has left the groupchat

THE TONY STARK: good going Happy

-

Banner: sorry im late the two gods kept me up late last night

KNEEEEEL: you bet we did ;)

Banner: god not like that loki

KNEEEEEL: I do not recall you saying that last night?

Bitch: ooh tea

Banner: apparently not the only tea, reading up. Stark, we’re having a serious conversation later. Pete, you okay?

THE TONY STARK: cool

THE TONY STARK: im talking to peter first though

** _THE TONY STARK added spidey to the groupchat_ **

Banner: okay

Spidey: im okay

Spidey: I just wanna be alone right now

Banner: want me to bring you anything?

Banner: anything at all, I can do food, toys, people

Banner: tony’s head on a plate

THE TONY STARK: hey!

Spidey: no…

Spidey: just wanna sleep

Spidey: so tired

Spidey: my stomach hurts

Spidey: why is there blood???

Banner: excuse me where are you?

Spidey: home

Spidey: tired

Spidey: goodnight everyone

Banner: don’t go to sleep pete

Spidey: tired

THE TONY STARK: PETER IM COMING I WILL BE THERE IN TWO MINUTES, DON’T MOVE DON’T GO TO SLEEP JUST STAY THERE

THE TONY STARK: IF YOU DIE IM NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE YOU

Spidey: ‘m sorry Mr Stark

Spidey: djgjrncknsm

Banner: stark whats happening????

Banner: stark

Banner: STARK

THE TONY STARK: god there is so much blood

THE TONY STARK: he got shot

THE TONY STARK: and he didn’t tell us

THE TONY STARK: he also cut his arms to ribbons

Banner: shit

THE TONY STARK: shit

THE TONY STARK: he cuts his legs

THE TONY STARK: and his stomach

THE TONY STARK: nearly everywhere

KNEEEEEL: WHY IS THERE A CHILD BLEEDING

KNEEEEEL: I WILL FUCKING MURDER

KNEEEEEL: STAB STAB

KNEEEEEL: do you need assistance stark

THE TONY STARK: god please

THE TONY STARK: I can get happy to drive you

KNEEEEEL: no need

“Okay the fact that you just typed that and said that out loud is concerning yet impressive.” Tony says dumbly.

“Noted. Now lets get the child healed, hm?” Loki replied.

“M-Mr stark?” the kid mumbled.

“Yeah, kid, it’s me.” The kid opened his eyes, and tried to scramble away from Tony.

“D-don’t touch me!” he slurs and promptly passes out again.

“Now, I’m not the best at healing, but I can do it.” Loki says and waves his hands over Peter’s body. Green light flows from his hands, soaking into Peter and healing the wounds until all that remains are scars. Peter starts to wake up.

“May? May? Where are you?” he cries out.

“May’s not here, sweetie. Why don’t we change you out of these clothes and get you into some nice clean ones?” Loki says gently.

“Okay, m-mr…”

“Loki. Just call me Loki, my sweet.” He helps Peter to his feet and gestures for Tony to leave the room.

Banner: STARK

Banner: FOR FUCKS SAKE ANTHONY EDWARD STARK FUCKING ANSWER ME

THE TONY STARK: WHAT???

Banner: about fucking time

Banner: how is the kid???

THE TONY STARK: hes fine

Banner: mentally?

THE TONY STARK: no idea, banner

THE TONY STARK: just stop with the fucking questions

THE TONY STARK: okay?

Banner: okay

Banner: sorry if I upset you

Banner: I was just worried about the kid

THE TONY STARK: yeah, well you weren’t the only one okay

THE TONY STARK: so stop acting like it

Bitch: okay tony I get that youre stressed but you need to fucking chill because youre really upsetting bruce and if you keep it up I will fucking kick your ass to the moon and back and then I will make you remove my show from your ass by yourself and I will make you fucking lick it

Bitch: got it?

THE TONY STARK: NO I DON’T FUCKING GOT IT YOU ALL NEED TO BACK THE FUCK OFF BECAUSE MY KID JUST GOT FUKCING SHOT SO HES NOT OAKY AND IM NTO OKA AND LOKI PRINABYK ISNT OKJY EITHER! THIS IS ONE OF TE WIRST TBI GD TO ECER HAPPEN SO YOU NEED T BACK OFF MHYFORW I RUEM INTO THE HILK MYSELF AND SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF ALL OF YOU! TRUST ME J AN NOR I N THE MODD TO BE FCKED WOTN!

Spidey: mr stark calm down

Banner: pete!

Spidey: mr stark, I know that youre angry and youre scared and youre upset and youre worried that I hate you but I don’t in just confused and I need an explanation and a hug from you like right now so if you would kindly get your ass back in here right now, that woudll be much appreciated

Banner: that hurt to read

THE TONY STARK changed their name to tony

Tony: god I love youkid im coming right nowand youd better ve prepared for hugs and a long ass explanation and then youd better be read for

Tony: get ready for it

Bitch: oh god

Tony: a sleep over/ movie night with all of your favourite movies and foods

Tony: and the avengers are invited

Tony: because I know you wanted to meet them

Cap rogers: ill be there

Big bird: me too

Birdboy: me too holy shit

Its ya boi: saaaammmmeeeeeee

Shuri: loki surely come get me

T’challa: no way

Shuri: yes way

Shuri: im going

T’challa: okay

KNEEEEEL: okay

GOD OF THUNDER: I WILL BE THERE TOO

GOD OF THUNDER: BIG LETTERS

GOD OF THUNDER: ALMOST AS BIG AS MY MUSCLES

Bitch: :’)

Its ya boi: coooooool

KNEEEEEL: im in

KNEEEEEL: I like the child very much

KNEEEEEL: he will make a good future villain

Tony: Peter? Villainous? Doubtful

Spidey: bold of you to assume I have already sold my soul to the devil

Tony: O.o

Banner: sure ill come

Bitch: me too

Rhodes works ahead: me too

Bitch:…

Bitch: uH I SURE HOPE IT DOES

Rhodes works ahead: sigh


	2. is it true??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is doubted (x) by the avengers and spidey just wants to fuck  
sorry kind of centered on starker this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why am i like this

Tony: k what movie are we watching

Spidey: I have a suggestion

Tony: if you suggest star wars one more fucking time I swear to god

Spidey: …

Spidey: I was actually gonna say Disney but okaaaaay

spidey: i just came out to have a good time and im feeling so attacked rn

Tony: we can watch Disney!!!

GOD OF THUNDER: YES I VERY MUCH ENJOY THESE MOVING PICTURES YOU CALL DISNEY MOVIES

KNEEEEEL: I call moana

KNEEEEEL: also I call cuddling with the child during the movie

Tony: grrrrrrr

Spidey: da- mr stark did you just growl

Tony: yes

Tony: yes I did

Bitch: spidey did you just nearly call tony daddy

Bitch: because holy fuck

Bitch: that’s hot and I ship it

Big bird: what the fuck did I miss

KNEEEEEL: a lot

GOD OF THUNDER: I CAN EXPLAIN IF YOU WISH

Big bird: this should be amusing

Big bird: also yes please thor

GOD OF THUNDER: WELL STARK WAS TALKING AND HE SAID HE WANTED TO BED THE SPIDERLING AND ALSO THAT HE WOULD CALL HIM DADDY WHICH I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD YOU CALL SOMEONE DADDY WHILE BEDDING THEM

KNEEEEEL: see whay I have to put up with

Spidey: whay

Bitch: whay

Big bird: whay

Big bird: also tony wtf

Tony: technically I didn’t say that nat did

Bitch: only because you said it to me

Rhodes works ahead: anyways were off task now

Rhodes works ahead: what movie are we watching????

KNEEEEEL: MOANA

Spidey: I agree with mr loki moana sounds good

Bitch: what ever the kid wants to watch

Tony: moana it is then

* * *

“Kid are you seriously singing along right now?”

“Excuse me, Mr Stark, it’s a good song! And hey, I’m not the only one! Mr Loki is too!” The god noticed his name and turned his head.

“What?”

“Are you singing How Far I’ll Go?” the god turned bright red and slumped further back into his seat.

“It’s okay, Mr Loki. I was too.” Peter smiles at him, and his heart melts. Tony nudges Peter.

“Watch the movie, kid.” He says fondly. Peter just rolls his eyes and leans into the older man, who appears shocked for a moment, before wrapping his arm around the boy.

* * *

By the end of the movie, Peter has fallen asleep, curled up against Tony. Tony had also started to doze of, so when Nat took a picture of them cuddled up together, neither of them knew.

“I don’t want to wake them up, but at the same time, I think they would be more comfortable in bed, so that they don’t get sore backs.” Loki says softly.

“Gasp! What is this? Loki? Caring? Hela must have affected you somehow!” Thor exclaims, effectively waking Tony.

“Great job, Thor. You woke him up.”

“It’s okay, I’m gonna take Peter to his room, he’ll be more comfy there.” He says, standing up without waking Peter and stretching.

He gently lifts the sleeping boy into his arms, carrying him bridal style, surprised by how light he is. Peter sighs and leans his head against Tony’s shoulder, burying his nose into his neck.

He carries him to his bedroom, tucking him into his bedsheets, pressing a soft, quick kiss to his forehead. He goes to turn away, but before he can walk away, he feels something tugging at his wrist and looks back. The boy is looking up at him through half opened eyes.

“Stay, please.”

“I can’t, kid. The others would think…”

“Please…?”

“Fine, just for tonight, though.”

He climbs into bed with Peter and covers them both with the sheets. “Sleep well, Peter.” He whispers, pressing another gentle kiss to his forehead.

“Mm, you too, Tony.” Tony’s eyes fly open, did the kid really just call him Tony? He thinks he heard him right. He decides he’ll think about it in the morning.

* * *

Bitch: May I just comment on the fact that Tony is not in his bedroom

Bitch: and he never returned from taking Peter to his bedroom

KNEEEEEL: hmm

KNEEEEEL: s e e m s p r e t t y s u s p i c i o u s m r s t a r k

Bitch: a g r e e d

Its ya boi: what did I miss?

Bitch: Tony and Peter be fuckin

Tony: …

Tony: seriously, guys?

Tony: can I not sleep without being interrupted by you thirsty attention hoes?

Tony: also what if you wake Peter up?

Tony: he needs to sleep

Bitch: well he cant exactly sleep when you’re fucking

Tony: what the fuck did you just say?

Bitch: you know what I said

Tony: you really think I would take advantage of him when hes so young, and not to mention _innocent _and theres also the fact that he would never go for an old man like me

Tony: and not to mention hes asleep right now

Tony: like sound asleep

Tony: like the cute kind of asleep, where he screws his nose up and holy shit

Tony: im so screwed ‘-‘

Bitch: yeah you are

Bitch: go back to sleep

Tony: I don’t wanna

Tony: I wanna catch this moment and keep it forever

GOD OF THUNDER: GO TO SLEEP YOU MIDGARDIANS YOU WOKE ME

KNEEEEEL: big deal

Tony: im tired goodnight

Bitch: goodnight tony

Rhodes works ahead: night

* * *

Spidey: good morning

GOD OF THUNDER: GOOD MORNING BOY OF SPIDERS

Spidey: also nat helpppp

Spidey: im screwed

Spidey: but in a good way

Spidey: I think

Bitch: okay?? Whats up??

Spidey: Dms

Bitch: k 

* * *

to:spidey from:bitch

Spidey: HELP

Bitch: you’ve said this

Spidey: so I lowkey (highkey) like Tony and im so screwed because if may were to find out she would kill me and Tony

Bitch: welp youre both fucked lmao

Spidey: hhhhh

Bitch: relax

Bitch: she doesn’t have to know that you guys are like a thing

Spidey: were not a thing I just like him he doesn’t like me back

Spidey: he could never like someone like me

Bitch: bitch

Spidey: ??????

Bitch: he legitimately stayed with you last night when you asked

Bitch: he never even did that with Pepper

Spidey: …

Spidey: really?

Bitch: yes, really

Bitch: theres also the looks that he gives you when youre not looking

Spidey: x for doubt

Bitch: he likes you

Spidey: X

Bitch: ugh fine ill ask him

* * *

to: tony from: bitch

Bitch: oi

Tony: yes?

Bitch: do you like peter?

Tony: uh, nat, everyone likes peter

Bitch: I mean do you like like peter

Tony: …

Tony: why

Bitch: because

Bitch: I asked you a question now answer it

Tony: yes, I like peter like that

Tony: jfc

Bitch: k, thank me later

Tony: why???

Tony: what are you doing???

Tony: Nat!!!!

* * *

to: spidey from: bitch

Bitch: Receipts.png

Spidey: what is this?

Bitch: receipts

Spidey: nat

Spidey: whyyyy

Bitch: you’ll thank me later

Spidey: hmm

Spidey: X

* * *

KNEEEEEL: WAKE UP EVERYONE I MADE FOOD

GOD OF THUNDER: FOOD?

KNEEEEEL: yes

KNEEEEEL: food

Spidey: im not hungry, thanks though

Tony: nuh uh youre eating

Tony: I know youre not light just because you work out

Spidey: uh no

Tony: uh yes

Tony: don’t make me drag your ass down here

Spidey: …

Spidey: iwouldmuchpreferifyouwoulddragmyasselsewheresuchasperhapsabedortheshower

Tony: *chokes*

Spidey has deleted one (1) message

Spidey: that’s not your job????

Tony: o.O

Its ya boi: ughhh keep it to the dms

Tony: your just jealous cos steve isn’t awake yet

Its ya boi: whatever man

Its ya boi: I just didn’t wanna wake up to this shit

Tony: Coolio

Spidey: do we have to get out of bed Mr Stark?

Tony: why are we back to mr stark

Spidey: fuck I thought you didn’t hear that

Tony: language, and yes, I did hear it

Its ya boi: haha busteddd

Tony: shut up or I remove coffee rights

Its ya boi: pfft coffee isn’t even what I drink loser

Tony: fine then I remove rights to the icecream that I know you steal everynight when everyones asleep

Its ya boi: no I don’t wtf

Tony: I have seen the evidence

Its ya boi: fake

Spidey: I have also witnessed it when ive slept over

Its ya boi: youve never been in the kitchen at night?

Spidey: that you know of :)

Its ya boi: something tells me that you just hide under the table at night

Its ya boi: am I right?

Spidey: nope

Spidey: I like being up high

Spidey: :)

Its ya boi: tony is your boyfriend doing drugs???

Tony: *chokes*

Spidey: not your job, mr stark, sir

Tony: not my boyfriend

Bitch: yet

Tony: also I hope the fuck not

Tony: Pete if youre doing drugs im gonna fucking fuck you up

Spidey: do it

Spidey: you wont

Spidey: pussy

Tony: watch what you say, mister

Spidey: O.O

Bitch: he wants it

Spidey: O.O

Its ya boi: bitch he aint denying it

Spidey: *le gasp*

Tony: ????

Big bird: he just realised his never-ending crush on billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, genius Tony Stark and has ended up with a boner

Spidey: *chokes*

Spidey: wtf

Spidey: wh-

Tony: Clint, why

Big bird: because it is the truth

Birdboy: holy shit guys my room is right near Peter’s so keep it down

Bitch: ‘-‘

Bitch: what are they doing

Birdboy: I don’t know all I can hear is Peter gasping every fucking second and tony whispering

Tony: holy shit guys im just telling him a story

Tony: relaxxxx

Spidey: yeah

Spidey: relaxxxx

Bitch: THEY BE FUCKING

Bitch: THEY BE FUCKING

Spidey: no were not

Tony: yeah were not fucking

Bitch: yall both wish you were

Tony: *chokes*

Bitch: I have the proof

Big bird: spill!!

Bitch: no I don’t share with trash

Big bird: ;-;

Tony: nat if you even dare, I will end you

Bitch: good luck with that

Bitch: receipts.png

Tony: bitch you had better watch your back

Spidey: nat please don’t I trusted you

Bitch: never trust a spy, kid

Bitch: obliviousbitch.png

Spidey: nooooooooooooo

Tony: *chokes*

Rhodes works ahead: youre gonna die if you keep choking

Spidey: yeah, theres also the fact that its not his job to choke

Rhodes works ahead: wh-what

Rhodes works ahead: peter youre legitimately 17

Spidey: technically im 18

Rhodes works ahead: your birthday isn’t until next week so stfu

Spidey: :’(

Tony: grrrrrrr

Spidey: do that again holy shit

Bitch: whattttt

Spidey: wait shit I thought I was in dms

Spidey deleted one (1) message

Spidey: none of yall saw that okay

Bitch: too late we all saw that

Tony: what

Spidey: uhhh

Tony: oh! No nevermind I know what you mean

Tony: it was cool hey

Bitch: what are you doing again, Mr Stark? Hm?

Tony: showing off my nanites :)

Cap Rogers: “Nanites”

Big bird: d-did Steve just make a sexual comment

Its ya boi: no

Its ya boi: I coerced him into it

Big bird: oh

Big bird: big cri

Tony: no legit I just finished them yesterday morning!

Shuri: no he did he wouldn’t shut up about it to me

Bitch: hMMM

Tony: im not that bad, nat

Spidey: ojala quisieras ser

Tony: quiraz lo haga

Bitch: classic case of Peter forgetting that Tony and I know Spanish xD

Big bird: die

Big bird: like, actually die

Cap Rogers: wow tony I thought you were better than flirting with a child

Bitch: solo follo ya lmao

Spidey: *chokes*

Bitch: hMMMMMM

Bitch: tONY

Bitch: bEHAVE

Tony: how bout nO

* * *

To: Tony from: Spidey

Spidey: is it true??

Tony: is what true?

Spidey: is it true that you like me???

Tony: …

Tony: im gonna kill Nat

Spidey: ???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to screech at me but expect to be screeched right back at '-'


	3. Fuck Marry Kill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the avengers play a game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHH ITS ALMOST HALLOWEEN  
(everybody scream)  
happy halloween people  
also lots of the f bomb so if triggering dont read

KNEEEEEL: guys just gonna drop a warning that thor is back on earth

Tony: thanks for the warning lokes, but it turns out that you were too late to save me from the bone crushing hug I just got ambushed by

GOD OF THUNDER: HELLO FRIEND TONY

GOD OF THUNDER: HOW ARE YOU?

Tony: my ribs hurt

KNEEEEEL: ah yes the common side effect of thors hugs

KNEEEEEL: the crushed ribs, years of trauma afterwards

GOD OF THUNDER: :(

Tony: d-did he just

KNEEEEEL: Yes, he did just

Spidey: hi mr thor!!! Welcome back to earth!!!

GOD OF THUNDER: HELLO, YOUNG BOY OF SPIDERS!

Spidey: oh

Spidey: just call me peter :)))))))))

GOD OF THUNDER: HELLO, YOUNG PETER

Spidey: omgomgomgomgimcryingomgomgomgoMGOMGOMG

Spidey: MR STARK DID YOU SEE THAT

Spidey: THOR JUST CALLED ME PETER

Spidey: AN AVENGER JUST CALLED ME PETER

Cap Rogers: I’m an avenger and I call you Peter

Cap Rogers: And you never get this excited

Its ya boi: yeah but ur not his avengers crush

Spidey: EEK BUCKY IS LEARNING HOW TO SPEAK INTERNET

Spidey: TONY HES LEARNING INTERNET IM SUCH A PROUD DAD

Its ya boi: youre not my dad

Its ya boi: ugly ass fuckin

Spidey: GASP

Spidey: HES LEARNING VINE IM GONNA FUCKING DIE HOLY SHIT

Spidey: hhhhhhhhhhhh

Tony: oh my god pete stop fangirling and focus

Spidey: *fanboying

Spidey: I do not appreciate being misgendered in this way, I shall divorce you

GOD OF THUNDER: WAIT THE BOY OF SPIDERS AND MAN OF IRON ARE MARRIED?

KNEEEEEL: no you dumbass

KNEEEEEL: they just fuck sometimes lmao

Spidey: *chokes*

Tony: probably not the best idea to choke when youre hanging out with me

Tony: WAIT FUCK THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT

Spidey: Illhappilychokewheneverihangoutwithyou

Tony: jdhfgkzscoiskjnkdgkdj

Bitch: I think you broke him kiddo

Spidey: well

Spidey: sucks to be him

Tony: peter I swear to god

Tony: youre just asking for it now

Spidey: asking for what, _sir_?

Tony: don’t make me get pepper

Spidey: NONONONO

Spidey: PLEASE NO ILL BE GOOD

Happy Hogan has changed their name to HH

HH: too late

HH: she saw the messages over my shoulder

HH: shes on her way now

Spidey: fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit

Cap Rogers: Language!!

* * *

Big Bird: why the fuck is spiderman in the vents?

Tony: peppers after him

Big Bird: R.I.P Peter Parker 2k19

HH: spidey you might wanna hide better she knows where you are

Spidey: im gonna die!

Spidey: goodbye cruel woldfjkdscnakdvok

Tony: well im just gonna go cry forever now that’s hes gone

Tony: goodbye society, hello alcohol

Rhodes works ahead: I think the fuck not

Shuri: rest in peace dear friend

Shuri: also

Shuri: holy fuckin shit he fuckin dead

Spidey: not dead just

Spidey: traumatised

Spidey: and sore

Spidey: so very, very sore

Spidey: bruises aren’t fun

Tony: she went too far

Tony: Happy where is she

HH: shes in her office

Tony: thanks

* * *

Pepper jumps as the door slams shut and Tony storms into her office. She smiles warmly, her smile faltering when she sees the fire in Tony’s glare.

“Tony? What’s wrong?” she asks, concerned.

“Why the fuck is Peter complaining of bruises and being sore?”

“Oh… I may have… just… ruffled him up a little bit?”

“Just a little bit? He is in pain!” Tony shouts, slamming his hand down on Pepper’s desk. The fire in her eyes quickly fades into fear.

“Look, I didn’t mean to hurt him, okay? All I did was drop him on his ass, because he was disrespecting you.”

“He wasn’t disrespecting me, we were _joking_! It’s called being friendly, Pepper! Maybe you should learn!” he turns around and storms out, going to look for Peter.

* * *

To:Spidey from:Tony

Tony: where are you???

Spidey: my room

Spidey: why?

Tony: im on my way

* * *

Tony storms down the hall, ignoring Sam’s call to see if he was okay as he passed his room. He just kept on walking until he reached Peter’s room, throwing the door open, making the boy jump as the older man stormed in and gently grabbed hold of his face.

“Are you okay? She didn’t hurt you too badly? I can fire her if you want. You’re so much more important than her, Pete.”

“Mr Stark, I’m fine, I’m just a little bit banged up. I’ll be okay in a few hours, super healing powers, remember?” he grins.

“I’m not happy with her, she hurt you, she’s not allowed to hurt you. _Nobody _is allowed to hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you again, Pete. I promise.” He rambles, pulling the boy to his chest and pressing his lips to the boys head.

“Mr Stark, I promise you, I’m okay. She didn’t hurt me too badly. I’ll heal.”

“You shouldn’t have to.”

“Hey, it’s experience. Teaches me not to mess with Pepper.” He grins again.

“You didn’t mess with Pepper though, Peter. We were just messing around and she took it too far!”

“Well, I think I also took it a bit far.” Peter frowns.

“No you didn’t though! I don’t even know why she felt the need to hurt you!”

“Because she can, I guess.” Peter shrugs.

That pushes Tony over the edge.

“No, she can’t hurt you! Nobody can hurt you! You’re too precious, you’re too important to me to get hurt! I refuse to see you get hurt!” he shouts, his cheeks turning red with anger. Peter flinches at his raised voice, and he instantly regrets it. He moves forwards, pulling the boy into his arms and holding him close, burying his face into Peter’s neck. The boy sighs, burying himself deeper into Tony’s embrace.

“I heard shouting what’s happen- oh.” Clint slides into the room, stopping when the two boys in front of him spring apart.

“Were you guys… you know…” he makes a kissy face at the two, and they turn bright red and deny it.

“No, no, we were just hugging, promise!” Peter throws his hands up, emphasising his point.

Natasha runs into the room, throwing herself forwards and wrapping her arms around Peter, pulling him away from Tony, glaring at him.

“Woah, why so icy, Romanoff?” He asks, confused.

“I’m icy because you were just shouting at my spiderson.” She spits.

“Actually, no, he was shouting about Pepper.” Peter chimes in.

“Pepper? What about Pepper?”

“She hurt Peter.”

“Oh that bitch is gonna die.” Nat replies, turning and pulling her blades out of nowhere. Tony darts forwards and grabs her arm, efficiently stopping her.

“It’s fine, I sorted her, I just needed to make sure Peter was okay and he kept blaming himself because he’s too innocent and precious to admit it wasn’t his fault and yeah I’m rambling now aren’t I?” He says.

Peter struggles to hide a smile behind his hand, but Nat catches it and raises her eyebrow in a ‘we’re gonna talk about that later’ kind of look. His cheeks turn bright pink again.

“Anyways, that’s all sorted out, what about some bonding experiments?” Nat suggests.

“What did you have in mind?” Tony asks.

“I’ll explain later, when everyones together. Let’s go.”

* * *

Bitch: ALRIGHTY EVERYONE GET YOUR ASSES DOWN TO THE LIVING AREA RIGHT FUCKING NOW, YOU ALL HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO GET HERE. SHURI, T’CHALLA, LOKI, THAT INCLUDES YOU. GET. HERE.

T’challa: We’re all the way in Wakanda, how are we supposed to get to America?

Shuri: …

T’challa: No.

KNEEEEEL: I could perhaps assist you?

T’challa: hmm

T’challa: fine.

Bitch: good

Bitch: be here

Bitch: soon.

Banner: and once again im reminded why I never piss nat off

Bitch: :D

Banner: that was so passive aggressive and im scared

Bitch: D:

Banner: shit im sorry don’t be sad oh shit im gonna hug you

Bitch: touch me and I will shove a widow bite right up your ass

Banner: :o

Spidey: well shit.

Tony: language young man

Spidey: yessir

Tony: good boy *_pat pat_*

Spidey: *happy noise*

Shuri: Peter! We are here! Come get the door!

Spidey: :O

Spidey: im coming!!!

KNEEEEEL: omg he just tackled her

Tony: :o

Tony: is he hurt???

Spidey: im okay!!!

Shuri: just as annoying as always tho

Tony: g r r r r

Spidey: you done fucked up

Cap Rogers: language

Bitch: anyways!!!

Bitch: we are gathered here today for… drumroll…

Bitch: fmk

Bitch: wait

Bitch: were missing someone

Spidey: Wanda

Spidey: AKA my wife

Spidey has added Scarletwitch to the groupchat

Scarletwitch has changed their name to bitch

Bitch: that’s already taken, bitch. Get a new one, bitch :)

bitch has changed their name to Wanda

Wanda: soooo

Wanda: what are we doing?

Bitch: we’re playing fuck marry kill

Wanda: ooh! Sounds fun! I’m on my way right now. I’m bringing Viz with me

* * *

“Okay, so, now that we’re all here, I’m gonna explain the rules for the oldies. Cap, Bucky, you get three choices of people and you have to decide which one you’re gonna fuck, marry and kill.” They both nod in understanding.

“Okay, Loki, you go first. Tony, Bruce and Wanda.”

“Uh, I would fuck Wanda, marry Bruce and kill Tony. Sorry Tony, but your boyfriend was staring through my soul.”

“Not his boyfriend.”

“Yet.”

“Shut up Nat.”

“Anyways, Peter, for that, You’re next. Tony, Loki and Steve.”

“Fuck Loki, Marry Tony, Kill Steve.” Tony and Loki both blush, but Steve just rolls his eyes.

“Sorry Mr Rogers, Captain America sir, but I’m personally tired of being told language every second.”

“Cool.”

“Steve, your turn! Bucky, Tony and myself.”

“Okay, Bed you, Kill Tony, Marry Bucky.”

“Okay. Tony, your turn. Peter, Steve and Rhodey.”

“Okay, uh, Marry Peter, Fuck Rhodey, Kill Steve.”

“Okay, Wanda, your turn, Bruce, Shuri and T’challa.”

“Fuck Bruce, Marry Shuri and Kill T’challa. Sorry T’challa but I don’t know you that well.”

“It’s cool, Wanda.”

“Okay, T’challa, Thor, Sam and Bucky.”

“Kill Bucky, Fuck Thor, Marry Sam.”

“Nat, what about you? Sam, Clint and Bruce.”

“Kill Sam, Fuck Clint, and Marry Bruce.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that, Nat.”

“Shut up, Clint. This is all hypothetical. Anyways, Bruce, your turn. Thor, Loki and Vision.”

“Fuck Thor, Marry Loki, Kill Vision. Sorry Viz, but it wouldn’t feel right.”

“It is quite alright, Bruce. I understand.”

“Clint, your turn. Bucky, Peter and T’challa.”

“Kill T’challa because he told me he didn’t care what my name was, Marry Bucky and completely ignore Peter because I don’t want a pissy Stark after me.”

“Good answer, Legolas.”

“Sam! Thor, Happy and Wanda.”

“Kill Happy, no offence, Dude, Fuck Thor, and Marry Wanda.”

“Rhodey! Sam, Bucky and Steve!”

“Kill Sam, Fuck Steve and Marry Bucky. I don’t know, Bucky just seems like a kind of domestic person, but the kind of domestic where you find them eating frozen cookie dough at three in the morning and I think that’s soft and cute.”

“Aww, someone’s got a crush on Bucky!” Peter pretend coos.

“Says you Mr I-love-Tony-Stark-so-much-but-I’m-too-pussy-to-do-anything-about-it.” Rhodey laughs at him.

“Anyways, Thor! Vision, Bucky and Bruce.”

“Fuck Bruce, Kill Vision, no offence man of Tech, and Marry Bruce.”

“Thor, you just completely ignored Bucky and went straight for fucking Bruce then marrying him.”

“Well, yes, that is what I wish to do.” Bruce turns as red as a tomato and Tony snaps a sneaky photo of it.

“Um, er, I’m very flattered, Thor.” He stammers out.

“Vision! Wanda, Shuri and Bucky.”

“Fuck Shuri, Marry Wanda and Kill Bucky. Sorry Bucky, but I am straight as can be.” He shrugs.

“It’s okay.” Bucky grins at him.

“Bucky, your turn. Steve, Sam and Loki.”

“Marry Steve, Fuck Sam, like a really hate filled fuck, and kill Loki because of the time he stuck magnets on my arm and used magic so they couldn’t come off.” The god laughs.

“Shuri! Lucky last! Wanda, Peter and Loki.”

“Kill Pete because he’s always making fun of me, Marry Wanda because she’s the most adorable human to ever exist”, Wanda turns red and ducks her head, letting her hair fall over her face, “and Fuck Loki because why not.”

“Cool, looks like we’re done. Some interesting information acquired here today. You’re all free to go now.” Nat shoos everyone away.

* * *

To:Tony From:Spidey

Spidey: Mr Stark I think we need to talk

Tony: I agree

Spidey: when

Tony: come to my lab, we can talk there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> people i thrive off of your comments and kudos, but i also like to know what you want from the fic  
also ngl i cranked this whole chapter out after a comment from Mdawg225 inspired me to write  
hope you enjoyed!  
also sorry for the sort of cliffhanger  
ill try and get the new chapter up soon :))))))  
love you all stay safe <33


	4. starker + shanda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :)))
> 
> also it wouldnt let me post in rich text ughhhh

Bitch: guys theyre talking  
KNEEEEEL: who?  
Bitch: who do you think dumbass  
KNEEEEEL: YOU DARE INSULT ME MERE MORTAL, I SHOULD HAVE YOU BEHEADED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE TOWARDS YOUR GOD  
Bitch: bitch please  
Bitch: you aint my god  
Bitch: also I have other tea to spill  
KNEEEEEL: don’t spill the tea it is a perfectly fine beverage to consume  
Bitch: …  
Bitch: it’s a metaphor  
Bitch: but anyways Wanda likes Shuri  
Wanda: excuse me what the fuck  
Wanda: https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/026/913/excuse.jpg  
Bitch: lmao  
Bitch: also im a spy I know this shit  
Banner: jeez nat always spying  
Its ya boi: why the fuck you spying, why you always spying, Mmm oh my god, stop fucking spying  
Banner: *wheeze*  
Shuri: so im just gonna ignore this entire conversation (apart from the part where Nat embarrassed Wanda because bitch that’s my girl) and just tell yall that T’challa’s leaving but im staying for a while  
Wanda: no way!!!!  
Bitch: holy shit Wanda just screamed and threw her phone and now she’s sobbing uncontrollably on the couch  
Shuri: omg im coming bb stay where you are  
Bitch: I just told her what you said and she is now rocking back and forth smiling and crying  
Shuri: Hhhhhhhhh  
Wanda: ksdjdfoifkJAFNkJFnkjsfnkJNFDlk QLFkNdklkvNLkdvnL  
Shuri: are you okay  
Wanda: yES  
Shuri: :’)   
Shuri: I love you boo  
Wanda: :’’’’’’D  
Wanda: many happy tears  
Wanda: much happiness  
Shuri: wanna date  
Wanda: yES YES YES  
Wanda: I mean sure sounds cool  
Shuri: :’)  
Bitch: may I just comment on the fact that Tony and Peter have not yet returned?  
Shuri: hMMMM  
Shuri: ill go find them  
Wanda: okay  
Bitch: don’t die  
Shuri: Ill try not to

\---

Shuri: HOLY FUCK THAT IS SO FUCKING CUTE HOLY FUCK  
Wanda: ????  
Shuri: finally tracked them down, they were in the lab, but Peter must have fallen asleep because Stark’s tucking him up in a blanket on the couch  
Shuri: SHIT  
Shuri: ive been spotted  
Shuri: it was a short relationship wanda but it meant everything to me  
Shuri: avenge my death my love  
Shuri: *dead noises*  
Wanda: wtf  
Shuri: idek  
Bitch: lmao  
Its ya boi: my favourite fall vegetable is the sweet potato  
Ita ya boi: teehee  
Tony: …  
Tony: I have zero (0) words  
\---

Spidey: so im sitting there  
Shuri: barbeque sauce on my titties  
Tony: ??????  
Spidey: oh yeah  
Spidey: good talk earlier Tony  
Shuri: they fucked!!  
Shuri: im calling it  
Tony: god… no…  
HH: they need to im sick of the ridiculous pining from both parties  
Spidey: im more interested in shanda  
Tony: who the fuck is Shanda  
Wanda: me and shuri  
Wanda: we be dating  
Tony: oH  
Tony: well  
Tony: congratulations  
Spidey: A CONGRATULATIONS  
Spidey: IT’S A CELEBRATION  
Spidey: I JUST WANNA TELL YOU THAT I THINK THAT YOURE AMAZING!!!!!  
Shuri: …  
Shuri: dedication right there  
Spidey: thanks?  
Tony: goddddd im lonelyyyyy  
Spidey: im on my way  
Tony: no not in that sense I mean just life…  
Tony: relationship wise  
Tony: im so fucking lonely  
Spidey: :(((((((((((((((  
Spidey: im on my way  
Tony: …  
Tony: what  
Spidey: you know what  
Spidey: fuck it  
Spidey: I FUCKING LOVE TONY AND I WANT HIM TO BE MY BOYFRIEBD BUT I DON’T THINK HE LIKES ME LIKE THAT  
Tony: …  
Tony: you know what  
Tony: fuck it  
Tony: I FUCKING LOVE PETER AND I WANT HIM TO BE MY BOYFRIEND TOO BUT I THINK IM TOO OLD FOR HIM  
Spidey: I am on my fucking way right fucking now and im gonna kick your ass for saying that  
Tony: Uh  
Tony: I am lowkey busy but maybe in like,,,an hour???  
Spidey: sure  
Spidey: oH yeah guess what  
Tony: what  
Spidey: I have the talent show at school next week  
Spidey: im gonna be dancing  
Spidey: Shuri… I need your help with perfecting it  
Shuri: on my way

As soon as Shuri arrived at Peter’s door, he pulled her in, shut the door and locked it. He picked up his umbrella and Shuri’s confused expression made him explain.  
“I’m going to recreate the Rihanna Umbrella music video.” Shuri’s jaw dropped, and she laughed.   
“Also Clint I know you’re in the vents, get your ass down here and help us.” Peter turns his head towards the vents and smirks as he hears a quiet “Fuck!” and the cover drops off.  
“Never took you for the dancing type, Pete.”  
“Oh, if only you knew.”  
“I don’t think I want to know.”   
“Anyways, what did you need help perfecting?”  
“My costume. I’ve nearly completed it, I just… need that extra something. My legs feel too bare.” He pulls out a black piece of cloth, and Shuri gasps when she realises it’s a playsuit. She bursts out laughing and Clint wheezes, bent over, hands on his knees, his face bright red.  
“Kid, Tony is gonna have a heart attack when he sees you in that thing.  
“I know.” Peter smirks.  
“Anyways, I suggest fishnet tights. I have some you can use. I’ll go get them.”

\---

Shuri: holy fuck you guys are gonna wanna be at Pete’s show   
Big bird: like legitimately holy fuck  
Big bird: Tony is not prepared X’D  
Bitch: Im lowkey scared  
KNEEEEEL: I will be present  
GOD OF THUNDER: AS WILL I  
GOD OF THUNDER: MY LETTERS ALWAYS LOOK ANGRY WHY  
GOD OF THUNDER: I AM NOT ANGRY  
Spidey: just press the little arrow, Mr Thor  
GOD OF THUNDER: ah, thank you, young peter  
Spidey: :’)  
Tony: :0  
Tony: im scared  
Tony: what are you performing  
Tony: I just saw Shuri with fishnet tigjts and I am concerned  
Spidey: nothing 😊  
Tony: …  
Banner: hes crying  
Spidey: what why  
Spidey: tony are you okay  
Spidey: I love you dint cry  
Banner: hes crying even more  
Spidey: shit im on my way

\---

Peter bursts through the lab doors to see Tony shaking with his hands buried in his face. “Tony? What’s wrong?” he asks, concerned.  
“I love you too holy shit.” He bursts out and wraps his arms around Peter, tugging him close. Peter lets himself be pulled, wrapping his arms around Tony and letting him rest his head on his shoulder. He moves his hand to Tony’s hair, stroking softly, smiling.   
“I’m going to give you guys a bit of privacy.”  
“Thanks Dr Banner.”  
“It’s just Bruce, kid.” He says before he leaves.  
“Tony, what’s wrong?” Peter asks softy. The man shakes his head, trying to play it off as nothing.  
“Tony, don’t bullshit me. What’s wrong?”  
“You’re just… so, so perfect, and I don’t deserve to have you in my life, let alone deserve to fall in love with you. You’re just so innocent, and I’m just… old, and useless, and not worth even a second of your time. You deserve someone so much better than me.”   
Tears spring to Peter’s eyes at hearing Tony speak so badly about himself.  
“Excuse me, that is complete and utter bullshit, and we both know that. You took me in when I had nowhere else to go. You forgave Bucky after everything, and you forgave Steve, and Loki, and a bad person could never do that. And honestly, you are the best person in the entire world in my eyes, you make me wake up every morning, you make bad days easier, you help me through every second that I miss Ben, and honestly, you have done so much for May and I. So don’t put yourself down.”  
“Peter, honestly, you should go before I fuck you up. You’re too innocent for that, I’m only going to hurt yo- oomph!” Peter cuts him off by pressing his lips against his harshly. He doesn’t move, too shocked, and Peter pulls away.  
“Listen to me, Tony. I wouldn’t stick around if you were a bad person, and May would not let me around you if she thought I was going to fuck you up. And Nat and Steve, they wouldn’t let you anywhere near you if they thought so too. And they’ve known you for longer. And I wouldn’t love you if you were such a bad person. So stop putting yourself down an just let me love, god fucking damnit.” Peter says firmly, and Tony nods, moving forwards to put his face in Peter’s shoulder again.  
“Good. Now, come get something to eat, I noticed you didn’t come up for lunch.”

\---

KNEEEEEL: GUYS IT HAPPENING  
KNEEEEEL: STAY FUCKING CALM  
Spidey: what  
KNEEEEEL: I saw everything, child  
Spidey: ????  
KNEEEEEL: I always see everything  
Tony: uh oh  
Tony: Peter, hide. He knows.  
Bitch: knows what??  
Tony: NOTHING  
Bitch: …  
KNEEEEEL: it didn’t look like ‘nothing’ stark  
KNEEEEEL: honestly it was sweet it wasn’t rough or wild like I expected you both to be  
KNEEEEEL: nor did I expect peter to instigate the kiss  
Bitch: YOU FUCKING WHAT  
Bitch: ABOUT FUCKING TIME  
Bitch: did you fuck  
Spidey: no im only 17 jfc  
Wanda: about time  
Shuri: ikr  
Spidey: powercouple  
Wanda: shut up, Starker  
Tony: ??????  
Spidey: shipname. Just ignore them.  
Tony: okay  
Wanda has changed their name to Shurifan#1  
Shuri has changed Shurifan#1’s name to Wanda  
Shuri: n,,,no  
Shuri: I am not allowed fans  
Shuri: I am too low for that  
Wanda: :((((((((((

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls attention me uwu

**Author's Note:**

> whoooooooooooo  
also guess what!!  
i came out to my sister as lesbian! i was so scared but she was so accepting and bless her i love her so fucking much  
also if you have any ideas for the story of if you have any ideas of where you want it to go, hit me up! i love ideas, prompts, appreciation, i love any forms of feedback from my lovely readers, so that i can improve my writing.  
i love you all, youre all valid and loved no matter what or how you feel <333


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